Me…The Diva!!!!

I am a little embarrassed to say that I was a diva today at my Doctor’s office. I was called in so he could do a lab eval. I have NEVER been charged a Doctor’s visit for a 10 minute discussion and his new staff tried to charge me a co-pay. The advantage here, I used to work in the insurance industry; and, lab evaluations ARE NOT typically charged a co-pay. I freaked out more than a lot and refused to pay the co-pay. I also told them they could just have the Doctor call me to discuss my labs (I knew it would be a cholesterol issue as I have FH and my new doc has never seen the labs before, so I knew he would be more than  freaked out by the results). Anyway, the Doctor wanted to talk with me in person because he was TOTALLY freaked out about my results. My results: Total cholesterol = 390; HDL = 78; LDL = 310; Triglycerides = 89. Balanced with a weight, whereby, my doc called me “skinny” (118 lbs.) and a B/P of 92/60 — he was SHOCKED. These are results that I don’t even bat an eye over because they’ve been this way for 15 years. At this point there is no medication that brings them down even when I am 100% compliant. I am currently concurring with a cardiologist I have seen…my hormones at this point are staving off the “big one.”

Because I was such a bitch, (a-hem, beast) my Doctor agreed to waive the fee. At this point,  I apologized and explained that 1) someone from his office stated there would not be a fee for a lab eval; and 2) as part of results from my annual physical my old PCP never charged me a fee to consult with me…

After he pulled up my labs and about fell off his Doctor’s stool reviewing them he kindly looked at the med class (X) and felt it was reasonable that I not go on them (I explained that I’ve been off the meds for 9 years because a) they didn’t lower my cholesterol; and b) I am still holding out hope of having a baby (even after 10 years of trying and many, many, many  miscarriages)) — so we decided to keep an eye on the levels (particularly my HDL — making sure it doesn’t go down) and I agreed to go back on Lipitor and Zetia (and the pill) when I hit 42).

Well, I am still feeling diva-ish…I don’t normally like confrontation and being a brat because I am usually a pretty mellow, laid-back person. However, I am glad I threw a tantrum to get a ridiculous fee waived; and,  I feel really good about NOT being on cholesterol meds…I guess it is because every femoral and carotid artery study I under-go shows me plaque-less, so, my attitude (in addition to being a bit on the bitchy side today) is so what? Heart attack? “Death is only the beginning.…“(love that I could actually USE that line from The Mummy)! I am an admitted geik!!!!

Character Development…

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” Helen Keller.

I am trying through educational endeavors to transition my life and make it something that I can be proud of. However, it has been a rough and rocky road. I have gone from a 3.8 student to a 3.2 student as “hard-core” science is not easy for me to consolidate or learn. The experience has been humbling. I always thought of myself as a bright, capable person, but now I am struggling. I am not feeling very intelligent.

A good part of the grade and comprehension issues have stemmed from my inability to concentrate and focus. School in my 20’s was very easy and I took the high grades I achieved for granted. Now in my 40’s I feel I am grasping at straws…so I brought this to the attention of my PCP, took some tests and was diagnosed with adult onset ADHD. I was given Provigil to help with the ADHD and to help me overcome swing shift sleep disorder (I’d been close to falling asleep at the wheel several times going from my graveyard shift to class).

Anyway, I am trying to analyze why I have gone from A-’s grades to the procurement of B-’s, C’s, and even a few D’s? The way in which I learn is definitely different (I am learning more to understand the material rather than to get the A via rote memorization and then forget it). The content is not topically things that I am naturally good at (I excell at writing, law, business, and social sciences). Also, I am not as competitive as I was in my 20’s (i.e. I don’t care if I am a straight A student as long as I am able to know the information, converse about it, and teach it).

However, in my State, a core science  curriculum is very competitive…most students that get into Nursing school or RT school have a 3.9 gpa..my 3.2 is not going to cut it…so I am trying to find ways in which I can bring the gpa up without breaking the bank. I am definitely going to have to re-take a few classes, but then I worry that I will not be accepted into a program as many have stipulations that one may only take 1 class twice to be considered…perhaps I am at a point where I need to learn that I have limitations and that I will never be a Professional in a Science based career. So, I am at a cross-roads. Desiring to finsish my scientific education but knowing it is highly probable that I must go back to the business world (whereby my success is limited becuase of my non-charismatic personality). The frustrating thing for me is that I KNOW working as a Nurse would give me an income base whereby I would not have had to moonlight. It will afforded me opportunity to build the life I envision — a future of enough financial stability that would enable me to pursue other interests and other educational opportunities.  I am not a quitter and am determined, so at this point I am going to keep trying for the Nursing degree…but I am realizing that my aptitude may be lacking. How does one get fulfillment when one is lacking? I often wonder why I was given big dreams without the skills, talent, brain capacity, and looks to achieve them? If I am a simpleton, why do I not have simple dreams? Winston Churchill said: “Never, never, never, never, never, never give up.” I am afraid to stop trying because I don’t want to be a failure…failing at this endeavor would kill me because I have failed at so many other things in my life…and because when I care for my patients I am happy…all the empathy that I have comes forth in my caregiving and I know I am good at what I do. I feel so strongly that healthcare as a provider is the place I am meant to be…now I just need to figure out how to fix myself so that I can continue along this path…..

Because 8 Divided By 2 is 4….

4 Jobs I Have Had In My Life:
1. Telemarketer for Jaylynn Photography 2. Library Aide 3. Banking Account Manager 4. Telemetry Technician.

4 Movies I Could Watch Over and Over: 1. The Color Purple 2. Shawshank Redemption 3. Legally Blonde 4. The Wizard of Oz – wow! Epiphany! They all have a common theme (re-inventing one’s self, which I am in the process of).

4 Websites I Visit Regularly: 1. care2.com (I gotta make a difference somehow, DUH!) 2. Keepbreathing.wordpress.com. 3. Victoria’s Secret 4. Decadent Tranquility.

4 of my Favorite Foods: 1. Pomello’s 2. Chips and salsy 3. Asparagus 4. Artichoke’s.

4 of my Favorite Drinks: 1. Water 2. Bankok Tea 3. Tab 4. Whiskey sour’s

4 Places I Would Rather Be Right Now: 1. Egypt 2. Jamaica 3. Hiking Macchu Picu 4. Skydiving.

4 Most Wonderful Places I Have Been: 1. Virginia City, NV. 2. Southern Utah 3. Germany 4. Canada.

4 Books I Could Read Over and Over: 1. The Count of Monte Cristo 2. Persuasion 3. The Walking Drum 4. The complete works of T.S. Elliott.

4 Songs I Could Listen To Everyday: 1. Here Comes the Rain Again (Eurythmics) 2. Gregorian Chants 3. Anything by U2 4. Every Rose Has its Thorns (Poison).

4 Reasons I Blog: 1. To Bitch and Moan 2. To Be un-P.C. 3. Therapy 4. Creative Writing Outlet.

4 Reasons I Like Obama: 1. I like his plan on getting us out of Iraq 2. He is a Democrat 3. All of the urban myths and legends the Mo-Mo’s tout about his name ALONE! 4. His plethora of education.

Bourgeois

Boor-zwhah — “(according to Marxist thought) being of the property-owning class and exploitive of the working class.”  Have you ever noticed how hierarchies exist in the world of work? Well, my hierarchy is pretty linear and works something like this: Doctor, Nurse, pee on aide/Tele Tech. The Doctor’s are the equivalent of your Kings, the Nurse’s/RT’s are the “boor-zwhah,” and your pee-on’s are the working class. 

I work my butt off (and to NO avail it seems).  I played Tele, Unit Sec., and C.N.A. again last night. Had 4 Ick-U patients; one on a vent, one with BGM’s every 2 hours, a surgery gone wrong, and an overdose. Before our four bed unit stabilized, I had to discharge two patients…which meant, moving them to their unit, stripping the room for Housekeeping, plus doing charting, watching my tele’s and printing docs, patient cares, answering call lights….well, I didn’t sit until 0520 and it was to CHART!!! Basically, I RAN all night. I got a bit behind on my BGM times and THE NURSE flew off the handle. I could understand the vehemence if I was not doing a thing, but I was WORKING, and WORKING HARD — NOT sitting on my lazy ass. She, on the other hand,  having two patients and being generally caught up, got to have down time and READ! ….when she freaked about the monitor’s I aptly dropped EVERYTHING I was in the middle of doing and got her her damn sugars. I was a bit pissed because she was reading. I don’t understand a Nurse (or anyone for that matter that puts such importance on a task and then won’t get their butts up off the chair to complete said task when their team member is busy), BUT TO FURTHER incite this working class girl…I was asked at the end of the shift what  I had done all night?! I couldn’t even catch my breath and LITERALLY had sweat dripping off my face because I was DOING MY JOB + SOME, and got asked that question — I am still reeling. I can’t believe that what I do has such little value it goes un-noticed. It makes me fume!!!!!!!

Top Ten Reasons Why I Shoulda Been a Stripper…

10. I’d meet interesting characters who need a fix.

9.  I enjoy wearing bouduair attire in public.

8. I cherish  the opportunity to help my fellow man.

7.  I like being slippery when wet.

6. Active transport pumps.

5. Dealing with poles, a daily occurrence.

4. I’m good at being demure with the client.

3. I think being ridden hard and fast keeps me on top.

2. Wearing rubber doesn’t bother me.

1. Getting screwed for money is my natural karma.

Oh wait!!! This IS me…another night at my Hospital and the sattire is rolling!

I Wish I Were a Little Bozy…

Posted by keepbreathing

“ER Nurse: ’scuse me.

Me: I say. That was my ass you grabbed.

ERN: Oh…like this?

(insert sound of ass being vigorously and repeatedly grabbed)

Me: Um…yes. Like that.

ERN: Sorry. Close quarters in here.

…I don’t think she was very sorry at all, but I’d be lying if I said I was offended.”

I loved this post by Keepbreathing, and for some reason it was on my mind today. I don’t think I’d mind if my ass were grabbed; and, I can think of a few asses I wouldn’t mind grabbing either — if it wouldn’t be out of character for me (I got the nick-name  “Snow White” at work). I wonder how others got the idea that I was so nice and pure? But, ultimately,  it is good to know that I’d probably shock a few if they knew 1) some of the lewd and/or snarky comments that go on inside my head; 2) how sexual and/or sensual I am on a daily basis; 3) I am not as naive, sweet, or innocent as they think….

Politeness goes a long way in hiding the baser sides of one’s character. However, at times I’d really like to not be P.C. I’d like to utilize my natural skills and instincts; and: 1) say exactly what I am thinking the moment it crosses my mind EVEN if it is rude and not a very nice thing to say; 2) use my favorite expletive (“Mother fucker”) when a patient is out of control; 3) not get shy in front of my favorite people when a sexual innuendo/joke/snarky comment is on the brain; 4) pat a few asses (everyone that I work with could be on a Soap Opera — both the guys and gals are just plain beautiful; enough so that I wouldn’t mind getting up close and personal with some of  hotties that I work with). I can fantasize can’t I?

REALITY SOMETIMES BITES because I probably would never do anything on the fantasy agenda because I can’t stand the thought of hurting somebody’s feelings or making someone uncomfortable….I am just NOT bozy enough to cross boundaries; but,  it is nice to think and have a really good imagination. It helps stave off many of my life frustrations; and having those gifts is a BEAUTIFUL thing!!!

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Talking to Myself…

I am in the process of developing a 5 year plan, so it is important for me to start listing goals that are important for me to accomplish so that I may break them down in a step-wise manner. Ultimately, the goals depend on my financial situation, which is in the toilet right now (and has been in the toilet for the last 7 years). Ultimately, I want to become a Perfusionist. I think that there are some educational processes that I must take along the way to 1) obtain more clinical experience; and 2) generate the income needed to save for the $20,000.00 program I am interested in. If the latter never happens I can still hit the Perf. goal merely by working 6 or 7 days a week…

Goals to complete within the next two weeks:

• Finish all components of my Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Advocacy training so I may volunteer.
• Seek a financial planner to eke out a plan to save for continued educational pursuits…

Goals to accomplish within the next 6  months:

• Enroll in and complete another EKG Tech course.
• Procure employment as as Dialysis Tech, to start in January 2009.
• Become a Nationally Certified D.T. by June 2009.
• Become a Nationally Registered EKG Tech by June 2009.

Goals to accomplish within the next year:

• Re-take Anatomy and get a better than a B- grade.
• Apply for either an R.T. or R.N. program.
• Take an ACLS course
• Take a PALS course
• Take an NRP course
• Take a NAP course

For Diversity:

• Collage art

The plan may change; and, my ideal plan was to go to Nursing school–> Law School obtaining my MLIS and MAOM concurrently –> Perfusionist school; but due to my money issues I think I may only have the opportunity for one more Bachelor’s and Perf. school. Sigh..education for me has been a wonderful hobby and I have grown so much as a person so it saddens me that I am almost at the end of my educational road. I should be excited that I can embark on much self-paced learning and that now I can really focus my efforts on building a career…but I really LOVE the formal learning process; and am a little lazy when it comes to self-paced learning.

Things happen for a reason…so, with the financial snafu I am experiencing I am kind of expecting to get bombarded with an additional crisis…there MUST be a reason I won’t be enlightened via the doors of collegiate education…hmmm…it will be interesting to see what direction my life goes…

A Million Bucks…

I often will float to another unit and work as a C.N.A. so that I keep skill levels with patient cares current, and so I can keep a full pay-check. Well, I worked with the sweetest patient EVER! She had been gravely neglected by a Nursing Home (they had failed to remove a back brace that was only to be placed on the patient for durations when she was sitting. Because they never removed the brace and she was in it on a continual basis her skin grew into the brace. When the brace was taken off she had severe stage 4 decubitis ulcers)….we were instructed to be very, very attentive and there were many care protocols to follow because the family advised the Hospital they were planning to sue the Nursing Home. Well, the poor dear had a NG tube, was a little confused and kept trying to pull it out. I was in and turning her consistently; and had to stay and hold her hand until the Nurse could acquire sleeping and anti-anxiety meds to prevent her from pulling out the NG tube (no restraints ordered). So, I was pampering and primping my patient and she said to me: “you take care of me, I should give you a million bucks.” My reply: “we all would like a million bucks.”

So, I’ve been thinking: what would I do with a million bucks. Some of the things I would do would be to ensure security for myself and my significant other…like, use some of the money to replace the money we lost in stocks over the last few months. I would also pay off my car and set aside enough money so I can finish my educational endeavors….but, more importantly, I would give back to the community. I would use some of the money to open a Homeless shelter (being a rural community we don’t have one; and so our ER ends up treating the homeless in the winter and providing them a bed/warmth for a night….which limits resources), I would start a community garden whereby people would pay $10 a month to have their own plot to plant vegetables and fruits…it would beautify my area of the community; and, my ideal is that if people had too  much they would give the food to the food bank so those that are hungry could eat. I would give some money to one of my friends whose dream is to fly and buy an airplane….I would buy my mom a house so I could feel certain that she was stable in her retirement years….and I would set up a trust fund for those in my family who want an education, so they would always be able to afford tuition AND books (I’ve often gone with no books because money has been tight), I would allot some funds for the care of animals, and, I would try to give money to help save our environment. As I write this, more idealistic intentions come up…but, alas, the American dollar is so weak, $1 million dollars really wouldn’t stretch very far. Since I was not meant to be a philanthropist, I guess my way to give back is by trying to nurture those I care for…always give 110%, always try to be kind, and always give of myself — even if I am lacking….not much but perhaps it is the little things that will ultimately make the difference. Blessings and Light.

Oh, Shut Up Already…

Arrogant people really bug me some times. I got irritated with an RT and a Nurse who had to explain to me as if I were an (indolent, stupid, moronic beast) the importance being careful with the tubes on an intubated patient so I would not extabte them. Instead of saying what I really wanted to I basically said “yez massa” — I DO respect working under someone else’s license but I am not inept at my job. Please don’t treat me as if I am STUPID. I have been a C.N.A. for 15 years and worked in a rehab facility for  5 of them whereby all the care was vent care. NO, I am not skilled. Instead of getting a degree in Healthcare, I pursued other opportunities and got Business degrees. Now that the opportunities are  null and void and I am back in school finalizing my Health Care educaton, but I am not. I repeat NOT an I-D-I-O-T! When I am treated as if I have no brains it really  hooks me and makes me  wonder why I am back in the Alcatraz of healthcare (working in a small hospital) …I try to remember that so many who work in the profession are either co-dependent, mean-spirited, think they are better than everyone else because they have surpassed their learning curve, and/or condescending. I always seem to have a foot in business and a foot in health care because I DO have empathy for the terminally ill..and something drew me back to health care, which makes me think this quest is important for me. I embarked on this journey even realizing I would be a pee-on until I acquired a more skilled education. I know, my choice…I shouldn’t complain; and, I guess I wouldn’t have to vent so rabidly if I could by-pass the professional and polite and say what is really on my mind: “DUH…you insufferable  bitch, shut up already…” I am building an ego, because I am relatively competent at what I do..that is good ’cause I am gonna need it when I am a Perfusionist….but that is bad because I readily admit that I am probably the dumb bitch that needs to shut up!

Passin’ The Buck…

I worked in the Ick-U last night with a Nurse who has only precepted 3 times prior to that shift. Now, in our rural Hospital, Ick-U is more like a specialized Med-Surg. unit, however, one really needs to have Critical Care and ER/Trauma med. knowledge..this Nurse is excellent, just really not ready to be on her own in ICU. In our unfortunate “learning mode,” we implemented a  FULL CODE. Patient had gotten up to use the bathroom independently. I was working Tele mons, acting as the C.N.A. , plus doing all the Unit Secretary work. I expected my Nurse to help me watch this patient who was confused. Well, the patient fell off the toilet (need I say more?) When placed back into bed became “pulseless.” Full ACLS protocols were enacted. Patient went from V-Tach  to SVT with a cardiovert using 2000 joules. Then patient stayed in Sinus Tach. However O2 sats were in the toilet so,  this patient was intubated. ICU Nurse didn’t know how to set up Propafol, didn’t know parameters for Dopamine, and a ton of other things that made this patient get incompetent care.

Don’t get me wrong, I am NOT a Nurse, and I am still in learning mode, too, Sooo, I admire people willing to branch out and expand their horizons..what gets me on this one is that the HOSPITAL allowed someone so inexperienced with ICU drips, protocols, and patient care to fly solo. Other Ick-U’s precept their new Nurses for up to 6 months to ensure they have an adequate knowledge base to “do no harm.” Additionally, this Nurse did not have the ability to fully multi-task (when she was to be watching the patient, she was charting and talking to the House Snoop about goings on in her farm).

In addition to the code, non-ICU Nurse allowed families to stay in the ICU all night. Hospital PROTOCOL is that visiting hours are over at 2030…and most of the ICU Nurse’s abide by it unless there are extenuating circumstances (i.e. a patient is to die). I felt it wasn’t up to me to kick the families out because Nurse trumps Aide EVERY TIME. When Security complained, Nurse pretended she did not know ICU visiting policies (posted at the entrance to the Ick-U. Also, I have heard this Nurse be explicitly told ICU hours on one of her training sessions).

Sooo, as you can tell by my rant…many, many, many,many things went wrong. We were SUPER lucky that this patient “lived.” Anyway, the positive to all of the wrongs…the Hospital passed the buck…instead of getting a qualified Nurse to cover for an ill Nurse, they utilized ANY Nurse willing to work in ICU — just getting a body to fill up a space in the staffing report. Also, my Nurse, who was severely frazzled, passed the buck — in the name of “I’m so busy, I’ll never get my charts complete” she allowed me to input a Foley catheter, suction, and work on other skills that I normally am restricted in practicing.

When I am a Nurse would I EVER risk my license in the way in which this one did? Not in a million years. She had opportunity upon opportunity to call back-up, but failed to do so. I think back-up was not completed because my Nurse got “the Nightengale complex” and wanted to be/do something heroic. I need to remember this lesson…ego and self-absorption  should never get in the way of patient care.