Although, I know right from wrong, and often choose what is morally right, I don’t always have a gauge to stop me from choosing what is wrong. When I choose wrong, it is always to my detriment and ruin and despair…so why do I still get myself in the kind of situations where I choose wrong? In my need to connect with people, and make friends at school, I loaned a class-mate a paper I wrote last semseter (buts like 3 content from three semesters ag). I naively thought she would look at it to get ideas, perhaps see how I incorporated APA into my paper, and perhaps use a few quotes (citing them appropriately)…well, she turned in MY paper as her own original work. In my institution, all papers get electronically scanned for review…this paper was reviewed and we both got summoned to the Dean’s office. The Honor Code in our school considers my lending and her using my paper the equivalent of cheating…and we are both under review with the likely outcome of expulsion. Worst case scenario for me because I go to two Universities is that I will be expelled with no return provisions from both institutions; additionally, I could possibly have the three degrees I currently hold remanded…so, all the years of work, all the money…well I am ruined. This 18 year old will progress and go on…she will probably get a Real Estate license and have a life and a career…for me I am out of money; and I, feel out of time…the rest of the days of my life will be working as a lackey, and living in survival mode…always working two jobs, perpetual tiredness, no challenge…..every worst nightmare I’ve ever envisioned for myself. But even harder is the self loathing I have for my self for not having good moral fortitude. The worst part is it is all of my own doing. How did I get to the point where I made a choice to so blatantly sabatoge myself? I think the worst thing for me is that I have become the person I despise most…one who cheats the system to get ahead in life (my mother). I am numb and I am lost….
I’VE RUINED MY LIFE….
“Yet I am not more sure that my soul lives, than I am that perverseness is one of the primitive impulses of the human heart–one of the indivisible primary faculties, or sentiments, which give direction to the character of Man. Who has not, a hundred times, found himself committing a vile or a stupid action, for no other reason than because he knows he should NOT? Have we not a perpetual inclination, in the teeth of our best judgement, to violate that which is LAW, merely because we understand it to be such?” -Edgar Allan Poe
December 7,2008 at 18:34
Well, after much research (because forewarned is forearmed). Things look bad for me. From the academic honesty policies of both institutions I attend the journey for a future whereby I possess a skill and a scientific education is done. With the consequence being expulsion or revocation of my degrees, I could also face a $2000. fine and/or jail time. I honestly had no idea that helping in the manner I did would 1) be considered cheating (it is a form of collusion if you allow another to use your written word…and although I didn’t allow this the fact that I gave this young girl my paper to review and then she used it as her own work makes me guilty by default); and 2) how severe the sanctions were for trying to “help” in this manner…I can only conclude that I am not in my right frame of mind..I’ve been taking a med called Provigil to ensure I don’t fall asleep at the wheel. And, I have had all of the following side effects: “chest pain, depression, anxiety, hallucinations, psychosis, mania, or other mental problems” , As advised, I DID stop taking PROVIGIL, but too late …the Provigil isn’t an excuse as to why I lost my moral fortitude, just a way I am trying to understand the sequence of events leading to my own demise. I honestly had decent intentions when I loaned my paper to this gal. I am such an idiot!!!
December 8,2008 at 18:34
I’m so sorry to hear that this has happened to you.
I’m such a giving person that I would have done the exact same thing. I have a problem which is that I completely and totally trust everyone and their intentions without even truly knowing what kind of person they are. While this can be a good thing, it definitely has its down side.
I wish I knew of something I could say to help you out with this situation, but I’ve never really been in your shoes before. Have you considered getting an attorney?
I’m sure you will have a series of “hearings” (like mini-trials) with the school board before it gets to the point of expulsion…. maybe an attorney can help?
December 8,2008 at 18:34
Trauma Junkie:
I have a conference with the Professor tomorrow. He has only said to me thus far: “don’t panic.”
I will most likely have to get an attorney, which totally sucks..it will be money used that should have gone towards my future…
As I reflect on this whole situation I am appalled and going through all of the mechanisms of self-loathing I can muster. Does one grave error in my judgment take away all the good I have done in my life up to this point?
I didn’t believe anything untoward would happen…as I mentioned I thought the girl was going to utilize my paper to generate ideas of HER own…had I realized that the essence of letting her see, read, and take my paper was a form of cheating I NEVER would have given it out. I guess in my desire to always see the best in others I am too naive. Maliciousness is out there, those who prefer to cheat the system are out there…the biggest lesson is that I should never let my guard down and unless I really, really am close to someone not be so trusting.
As I mentioned, the Professor of the class told me not to panic. He is calling me tomorrow to go over the situation. He isn’t sure what will happen but he personally feels that my contribution to the event was the “lesser of two evils” as I didn’t intend for collusion to occur. I have the benefit of having turned in the paper first and last semester at that…so, even though I am worried about everything I am a little calmer tonight.
I am disillusioned with people in general right now, so in the positive attitude that I am trying to retain, I am looking at an on-line RT program that one of the RT’s I work with did. It is a little more expensive than a traditional program; but I would be an RT in 2 years (Associates level) that would give me enough clinical experience to have an interesting career.
Education is and always will be a HUGE value for me. I don’t think I will ever stop trying to obtain it; and, although I think my husband is right in indicating that I have an inquisitive mind and I will always strive to educate myself (even if it is in the manner of self directed study rather than a formal curriculum); and, I could do self directed study for the rest of my life, I like the interaction I get when in a collegiate environment.
I think as I reflect on this connundrum I got myself into, and go through all the things I do to beat myself up, I am most appalled that I broke my OWN honor code and value system. In a way I tried to cheat the system…and that is what my mom has done her entire life….something I really despise about her and vowed NEVER to do.
Until this moment, I have accomplished having a moral fortitude that means something and is vastly different from my mom’s. I wonder in my pondering and attempt to wrap my head around everything if I needed to do something to learn the wisdom of “never say never” and truly UNDERSTAND it; and, that I needed to fall off my moral high-ground to have empathy for my mom and the choices she has made that make her be an aggressive and often dishonest person. Integrity is important..that is not to say that I don’t have to work at it to have it…I would rather lie to someone, rather than hurt their feelings. For instance, if they looked awful and asked: “how to I look?” I probably would reply: “fine.” I know that is not really an integral thing to do, but one of my moral precepts is that I should be kind to all, loving, empathetic, patient, and generous whenever I can. I want to be the kind of person that builds others up, not tear them down.
I have a lot to still reflect on. I am willing to do the work because I want to be proud of the person I am; I want to keep evolving and progressing in positive ways, not negative ones….
If I have a chance to become redeemed, I am happy to take full responsibility. I have done so much research maybe one thing I could offer is to educate others so they do not make the same mistake I’ve made. I don’t know if I could do this immediately..I am too raw, but it is a thought.
In all of my reflection I am seeing a pattern in my life… I make my biggest life mistakes at every decade mark since I was in my 20’s. I need to learn how to break that destructive cycle.
I am trying to keep a positive attitude and take it all in stride, but I have a lot of remorse…
Thanks for your kind words and advice. I am going to heed it. Blessings and Light, AnnieC898.
December 10,2008 at 18:34
RESOLUTION>>>
Well, I didn’t get expelled, fined, jail time, or my previous degrees revoked for my hand in the honor code violation I was unwittingly a part of. Instead, I got placed on an informal honor code probation which does not go on any of my transcripts. I am grateful and feeling so very blessed. The girl who plagiarized my paper was expelled. I need to rebuild…but at least my life isn’t ruined. I am thankful.
December 11,2008 at 18:34
THAT’S WONDERFUL! Well, not wonderful, but better than it could have been– I’m glad it all worked out.