Se La Vie…

Well, it has been what feels like aeons since I last posted. I’ve been through a metamorphosis of sorts. I realized that when you throw a bone in an offerance of friendship and the person you are throwing it to turns up a nose that it is time to let it go…so, I am letting go of the idea that “hotness” and I will EVER be friends. It was hard for me to do. I get attached easily. I love people freely; and, I put people on pedestals..perhaps that is the problem…even though I think people are perfect no matter what they do, when one has a knowledge of my deep admiration…well, I guess it can be disconcerting.

The “getting over” something that I thought would lead to an amazing friendship was hard to do. I pretty much had a down-ward spiral and stayed in bed for four days (not something I am inclined to do, as normally I am a pretty  happy, bubbly person)…but I was saddened. I felt loss…loss hope, loss of discovery…loss of motivation…loss of enrichment…loss of trust (of myself, mostly)…and loss of a vision whereby I’d have a friend who is an exceptional Health Care Professional give me a little guidance. I know that sounds like I was out to manipulate the friendship I desired in an unethical way, but I wouldn’t have…just to talk about perspectives, to have someone who is brilliant give feedback would have been phenomenal. And, I would have given back anything needed THAT WAS LEGAL AND  MORAL with all of my heart, mind, soul — every fiber of my being.

Another component of  my metamorphosis was realizing that if I am not obtaining means and mechanisms to grow my skills at the facility in which I work that I need to go to a facility, at least a few days a month, that will enable me and empower me to do so….therefore, I am job hunting for a second job. Ideally, I would like to be in an acute setting whereby I see more critical cardiac cases that translates to the reading of harder telemetry strips. This would enhance all the study that I am doing. I plan to take the National Certification test at the end of April. If that opportunity is not available, then I’d like to work in a Dialysis environment since I am a Certified Dialysis Technician.

Another “change” that is positive in general is that I have a definitive start date for RT school. I will start April 13th. I am going over all of the Anatomy, Physiology, Chemistry, Biology, and Pathophysiogy I can to be as prepared as possible. I am reading a book entitled “CardioPulmonary System Review,” which starts at homeostatis and advances to more complex information and formularies.

So, I’ve  had personal progression and digression simultaneously over the past few weeks..and I am somehow becoming a little wiser…to the point whereby I can sometimes non-chalantly say: “that’s life.”

My Newest Curiosity…

I turn 40 in 21 days, and I don’t really think I am a vain person but I am a little worried. My concern is that because we live in a culture that embraces the visual, and that first impressions do seem to matter…that I won’t be competitive in the world of work or socially.

I am pear shaped with thunder thighs, yet  I have a body confidence that I am happy about….essentially, I “feel good naked.”  However, with the advent of  my official “middle age” status I am seeing the wrinkles on the forehead because I use my entire face as a gesturing tool…as well as, fine crinkles around the eyes…so far clever makeup and hairstyles have hidden the wrinkles…but I am feeling insecure — especially at work where all of my brilliant co-workers (male and female) look like Super models.

I always thought that they looked so superb because they won the genetic lottery, or because they took very good care of themselves…well,  I discovered that most have had botox injections here, a little sclerotherapy there, an augmentation or two and done a few “non-natural” things to enhance their genetic makeup and healthful lifestyle choices. SO now that I know the secret used by the people I work with, I feel compelled to go and get botox shots in my forehead (a local Doc charges $95 a treatment and if I picked up one extra shift a month I could logistically afford it)…but realistically,  with all of the educational goals I have I just can’t spend that kind of money to make my face look better …

Then I got to thinking, once I start to correct all of my genetic flaws via cosmetic surgery or procedures when and where does it stop? Isn’t it better for me to develop an internal beauty that is accepting and loving and nurturing of myself? What do other poor women do? Does one need to accept physical ugliness? And, even if I had the money would I? Maybe a little, but I think I’d rather use extra money to take fencing lessons, learn how to fly a helicopter, travel, learn how to sail, travel some more…I’d use the money to enrich my mind and my adventurer’s spirit.

So, knowing that I probably wouldn’t fix stuff even if I had the money readily available made me wonder how I am going to cope with my personal aging issues? I want to look as good as I can, genetics will probably work against me, how do I stay attractive enough to succeed with the goals that I have?  Aging is a natural and inevitable process. Some do it with more grace, class, and style than others…so what distinguishes that? How do I remain comfortable in my own skin despite the physiological changes?

I am really curious…I want to have answers, but I suspect the answers are variable and I will need to figure out for myself the course of action that makes me feel happy and content…

Sex In MY City…

I had the most curious adventure today…I was coming off a graveyard shift and needed to get a new toothbrush and toothpaste. I figured I’d swing by the local Walmart to get these needed items on my way home. So sitting in a knee crunch position trying to decide what toothbrush I wanted a handsome young man approaches me and says: “Excuse me..”  Feeling a little tired, and impatient I am thinking of some snarky comment that would be succinct and to the point in conveying that I do not work at Walmart when his next words were: “are you seeing someone?” I  literally did a double take and said: “Waaahhht?” and the young man , a little more boldly this time said:  “Ma’am are you seeing someone?”   Totally taken aback, I said “Yes.” I wish I would have played along a little more, it would have been fun to say something out of character like: “Yes, I’m seeing you!”

I admired this young man in a way, if that is his pick up line he must get laid date  lot. I wondered why I hadn’t thought of that line when I was 21-ish?

Then I got to thinking about the scenario more and wanted to know the  “back story” of this kid…what would make him bold enough to go up to a stranger and ask: “are you seeing anyone?” I imagined that he only had a month to live and didn’t want to die a virgin, or he was  getting ready to be shipped out to Iraq or Afganastan and wanted to gain a sexual experience from an older woman…or I imagined that he was getting ready to come out of the closet but before he did so had to have a farewell f*ck with a complete stranger…

It was fun to imagine the back story. It was flattering to my almost 40-year-old ego (I’ve only been hit on twice before…once when I was 16 by a lecherous old man; and once from another female when I was about 21).

I am taking a Human Sexuality class and now I am curious as to what causes arousal and desire? What causes people to pair up and become a couple? What makes people feel comfortable and attraced to another enough to ask: “are you seeing someone?”

Evidently, I’ve been doing things wrong…I could have simplified my entire sexual encouters/dating experiences/relationship endeavors had I only listened to my grandmother’s advice…”find, and marry a  nice boy you meet at the grocery store.”

I know people in my rural city are “doing it” because I see the little  peanuts whenever I am floated into OB…but I had no idea that sex in MY city began with a grocery store adventure!