My Guilty Conscience…

Well, I did it. I said something really horrible without thinking about it…what I said has the potential to really hurt someone I care about.

There is a situation at work whereby a group of female co-workers (the hens) are gossiping about whether or not another co-worker (CQ10) has had an affair with one of our lab guru’s. I typically try not to involve myself in gossip unless it is strictly about me, however, I was charting and just in a place where I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation.

One of the hens said: ” Now she likes Matt.” I said: “I thought she liked lab guy.” The reply was that because CQ10 is getting a divorce, she is after every male in the hospital. The speculation was who she would go after next. I replied: “Hotness.” The name just slipped out…not only is he tall,  and handsome, but beautiful inside and out; and, CQ10 has mentioned to me that she thinks he is cute. However, the reason I said his name would be fodder for a psycho-analyst for years to come…

If I am honest with myself, the reason that his name came up is because I  am a little jealous that he and CQ10 are really good friends. I’ve been trying to build a friendship with “Hotness”  for over 3 years. This has been to no avail…we just don’t click on that level. I do find him very attractive, and I look up to him — just someone I admire on many,many levels. We don’t find common ground about anything, thus, no way to build a conversation let alone a friendship. I’ve been feeling jealous that CQ10 has only worked at our Hospital for 5 minutes and has that built a bond that I’ve tried to have  for a multi-tude of years.

Additionally, his name came up because I think about him at least 50 times a day. He is sexy and on some levels, I think about that.

But foremost in my thoughts was that CQ10 is tall — it would be natural for her to be attracted to and go after tall men.

After I realized that I said something that could feed the gossip mongers, I was mortified. I know that “Hotness” had an extramarital affair and that he and his Spouse have worked really hard to make their amazing relationship what it is today. Also, 3 or 4 years ago that kind of speculation almost destroyed his work credibility and family life, as well as, that of another Nurse.

That one careless use of his name could have the potential to destroy lives causes me agony. That me not thinking before I spoke could mean that someone I love has pain and difficulty in their life hurts my heart.

I didn’t explain why his name came up…I thought if I talked about it too much it could cause rumors. One of the hens said: “everyone loves “Hotness,” he is a cute guy.” Then I changed the subject.

I said: “Do you guys remember Dean? I had the HUGEST crush on him?” One of the hens then stated she had a crush on Doc. I am hoping beyond hope that the part of the conversation that gets remembered and passed along is my crush confession NOT whose name I put out there that CQ10 might have an interest in…I really don’t want “Hotness” or CQ10 to have rumors spread about them…rumors that I may have contributed to by my thoughtless behavior.  I would never be able to forgive myself if something bad came from me throwing my two cents into a conversation I should have never gotten involved in.

I desire that “Hotness” and CQ10 have happy and wonderful lives. When I explained the situation to my partner he suggested I pull “Hotness” aside and apologize…but I can’t really talk to him. I decided if things get ugly over my poor conduct that I will resign my job. I just couldn’t deal with “Hotness,” CQ10, or any of their friends hating me or being disappointed by me or thinking I had cruel intentions, or was mean or malicious. I’d rather they continue thinking of me as a nice, boring girl.

Feeling Weird…

I am an introvert, and in many ways a social moron. I decided to keep the fact that I start RT school quiet because I only fit in with a minority of people at my hospital. I particularly didn’t want our RT department to know of my endeavor…they are all brilliant, and I look up to them but am not really close to any of them — I was asking so many questions about Telemetry, breathing treatments, etc. and doing so in the wrong way that I offended about 4 of them…that’s half of the RT department at my rural Hospital! So, I decided to back off.

Now, I am having anxiety about school — am I making a good decision? Will I get enough clinical experience to have an interesting career? While  I know I have an amazing support system from everyone whom I write to and read about on-line, it would be nice to talk to our RT’s about their experiences. However, my anxiety is making me self conscious so that I feel like a giddy high schooler — I truly am acting weird. I stutter and try waaaay too hard to make sure I don’t piss anyone off, and I am uncomfortable around our experts to the point that I do stupid things. Most of it is because I feel they all can’t stand me and I KNOW I’ve made several of them mad at me in my enthusiasm to be helpful. It is awkward to feel butterflies in my stomach whenever any of our RT’s come into the unit..and even awkwarder to try to have a conversation thinking that whatever I do or say will be the wrong thing.

Because I feel so disconcerted I think my choice to NOT do any clinicals at the hospital in which I work is wise. I don’t feel I will be this uncomfortable around other RT’s…I need to get over this feeling of incompetence…I want to have good relationships with all of my co-workers…

Big Mouth Strikes Again…

It is our Hospital policy that when the census is down and one is placed on call (because there are not enough patients to work one’s regularly scheduled shift) that one a) answer’s his or her listed telephone number; and b) arrive at the Hospital within 30  minutes…

I got a call at 2240 asking me to come in. This Sunday was NOT a regularly scheduled shift. The C.N.A. that was regularly scheduled to work (whom had been placed on call) was unable to be reached.

Well, the Nurse’s were desperate for help. So, I was asked to come in. I decided to be a team player…but only after the Tech calling me in said that she felt the on-call tech wasn’t answering her phone because she was “frustrated” and looking for a new job. Perhaps…we all get frustrated from time to time, but what ethics does it take one to have to abandon ship? Thinking this I said: ” It’s one thing to be frustrated, but to refuse to answer a phone and playing games over it is unprofessional.” There was dead air for about 2 minutes then the Tech said to me: “well, sometimes when you are on-call you fall asleep.”  My snarky comment back: “responsible people, even if they fall asleep, hear the phone ring.”

Tech who called me is very good friends with Tech who didn’t answer. But I stand by what I say…when one works graveyard shifts REGULARLY and is acclimated to that type of schedule…it is unlikely that one is sleeping. Also, who goes into a deep sleep when on call and getting “on call pay?”

I was irritated…but mostly because this person, despite doing things like not take call when she is “on call” calls in sick every 3 out of 12 shifts…she has not had to be accountable for her bad behavior and in my opinion has perpetuated her action to consistently do things that make it hard for her colleagues. Often when she calls in sick, the Nurse’s are slammed and left stranded. You either commit or don’t commit to your schedule…if the choice is NOT to commit, then resign your postion and let someone who truly wants the job have it!!!

Now, because I’ve said something derogatory, I’ll have to either side-step the issue or get into a verbal reposte because I didn’t keep my opinion to myself. Will I ever learn? Me and my big mouth!!!