Feeling Weird…

I am an introvert, and in many ways a social moron. I decided to keep the fact that I start RT school quiet because I only fit in with a minority of people at my hospital. I particularly didn’t want our RT department to know of my endeavor…they are all brilliant, and I look up to them but am not really close to any of them — I was asking so many questions about Telemetry, breathing treatments, etc. and doing so in the wrong way that I offended about 4 of them…that’s half of the RT department at my rural Hospital! So, I decided to back off.

Now, I am having anxiety about school — am I making a good decision? Will I get enough clinical experience to have an interesting career? While  I know I have an amazing support system from everyone whom I write to and read about on-line, it would be nice to talk to our RT’s about their experiences. However, my anxiety is making me self conscious so that I feel like a giddy high schooler — I truly am acting weird. I stutter and try waaaay too hard to make sure I don’t piss anyone off, and I am uncomfortable around our experts to the point that I do stupid things. Most of it is because I feel they all can’t stand me and I KNOW I’ve made several of them mad at me in my enthusiasm to be helpful. It is awkward to feel butterflies in my stomach whenever any of our RT’s come into the unit..and even awkwarder to try to have a conversation thinking that whatever I do or say will be the wrong thing.

Because I feel so disconcerted I think my choice to NOT do any clinicals at the hospital in which I work is wise. I don’t feel I will be this uncomfortable around other RT’s…I need to get over this feeling of incompetence…I want to have good relationships with all of my co-workers…