Well, I did it. I said something really horrible without thinking about it…what I said has the potential to really hurt someone I care about.
There is a situation at work whereby a group of female co-workers (the hens) are gossiping about whether or not another co-worker (CQ10) has had an affair with one of our lab guru’s. I typically try not to involve myself in gossip unless it is strictly about me, however, I was charting and just in a place where I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation.
One of the hens said: ” Now she likes Matt.” I said: “I thought she liked lab guy.” The reply was that because CQ10 is getting a divorce, she is after every male in the hospital. The speculation was who she would go after next. I replied: “Hotness.” The name just slipped out…not only is he tall, and handsome, but beautiful inside and out; and, CQ10 has mentioned to me that she thinks he is cute. However, the reason I said his name would be fodder for a psycho-analyst for years to come…
If I am honest with myself, the reason that his name came up is because I am a little jealous that he and CQ10 are really good friends. I’ve been trying to build a friendship with “Hotness” for over 3 years. This has been to no avail…we just don’t click on that level. I do find him very attractive, and I look up to him — just someone I admire on many,many levels. We don’t find common ground about anything, thus, no way to build a conversation let alone a friendship. I’ve been feeling jealous that CQ10 has only worked at our Hospital for 5 minutes and has that built a bond that I’ve tried to have for a multi-tude of years.
Additionally, his name came up because I think about him at least 50 times a day. He is sexy and on some levels, I think about that.
But foremost in my thoughts was that CQ10 is tall — it would be natural for her to be attracted to and go after tall men.
After I realized that I said something that could feed the gossip mongers, I was mortified. I know that “Hotness” had an extramarital affair and that he and his Spouse have worked really hard to make their amazing relationship what it is today. Also, 3 or 4 years ago that kind of speculation almost destroyed his work credibility and family life, as well as, that of another Nurse.
That one careless use of his name could have the potential to destroy lives causes me agony. That me not thinking before I spoke could mean that someone I love has pain and difficulty in their life hurts my heart.
I didn’t explain why his name came up…I thought if I talked about it too much it could cause rumors. One of the hens said: “everyone loves “Hotness,” he is a cute guy.” Then I changed the subject.
I said: “Do you guys remember Dean? I had the HUGEST crush on him?” One of the hens then stated she had a crush on Doc. I am hoping beyond hope that the part of the conversation that gets remembered and passed along is my crush confession NOT whose name I put out there that CQ10 might have an interest in…I really don’t want “Hotness” or CQ10 to have rumors spread about them…rumors that I may have contributed to by my thoughtless behavior. I would never be able to forgive myself if something bad came from me throwing my two cents into a conversation I should have never gotten involved in.
I desire that “Hotness” and CQ10 have happy and wonderful lives. When I explained the situation to my partner he suggested I pull “Hotness” aside and apologize…but I can’t really talk to him. I decided if things get ugly over my poor conduct that I will resign my job. I just couldn’t deal with “Hotness,” CQ10, or any of their friends hating me or being disappointed by me or thinking I had cruel intentions, or was mean or malicious. I’d rather they continue thinking of me as a nice, boring girl.
